I've been having so much fun with band and orchestra....until the last 2 weeks.
A new player has joined one of the groups that I play with, and I find it difficult to get along with her. I find her pushy and loud, and she loves to point out my mistakes, and to lean over and write on my music!
I think I'm going to have to face the situation head-on, a thing I hate to do. I don't like conflict, and she will only be there for a few more weeks, until the summer break from her other ensemble is over. But it's quite possible that she will come back at some stage, so I need to let her know that she can't walk all over me.
Any advice on how to address this would be greatly appreciated; I'm really stressed out about it.
Yikes! Let me just say that I'm NOT the person to give you advice because I tend to go right into situations like this loaded for bear (as they say)- and I do not back down. I'm sure there's a nice, civilized way to handle the situation, but I am not familiar with it. If nothing works, maybe I could fly over and smack her for you. LOL Good luck! I do hope you're able to resolve this in a positive way. Sorry I am no help.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Pam! You gave me a good laugh, and much needed support. That is a huge help. Will let you know how it works out.
DeleteI tend to avoid conflict like the plague having been married to an abusive husband (my first husband not the wonderful man I'm now married to ) with that said ........my daughter recently gave me some excellent advice....... She told me that i needed to make my feelings known but in a kind way ...... I was having issues with one of my siblings and I started the conversation with ....."I'd like to tell you this with kindness " and proceeded to get some things off my chest. Best thing I have ever done. I now have a wonderful relationship with that sibling. Even if this doesn't work in the same way at least you know you've tried and that you did it with kindness. Hoping everything works out!
ReplyDeleteKerri, glad I'm not the only one who avoids/hates conflict! Thanks for very helpful advice, and I will try to work out what to say, with kindness. What a lovely way to put it.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteKnowing you, Mimi, you will confront this situation with that kindness that Kerri mentions. Writing on your music? That's just nervy! You definitely should be able to say something about that. Loud and pushy may just be how she is. I think you could also gently point out that not everyone reacts well to negative criticism.
ReplyDeleteAnd if that doesn't work...I'm coming with Pam!
Aw Stephanie, your support (and offer to come over!!) is really appreciated.
DeleteI feel so much better already. I was almost in tears when I hit "publish", but now I feel I will be able to handle the situation. She's young, and even though she's a great player, she needs to learn how to co-operate! I appreciate her pointing out if I play something wrong, but there was other behaviour, and writing on my music is just unacceptable!
I've heard that in a previous ensemble, when things weren't going her way, she burst into tears, and I don't want that to happen.
Will post how it all pans out.
First off, she sounds like a terrible person that is inconsiderate. I would approach this situation openly and honestly. Perhaps you could say something like " You know I am an adult and I don't really appreciate you acting this way." This tell her exactly what is bother you about her.
ReplyDeleteIn a strange twist, I have heard that what bothers us in others is something that bothers us as well. Usually when I have that strong of feeling about someone, they may be like me. I'm sure that is not the case here.
Good luck and have courage.
thanks Pam for your advice. I'm working on the wording for approaching her!
DeleteI used to sing back up with bands. Jealous people are always like rude teenage girls, trying to undo the confident talent around them. The more critical they are, the more you can be sure they are jealous of your talent and the place you have secured with the musicians. Don't let her do it. Handle her like a rude teenage girl. She needs to grow up. It sounds harsh, but I KNOW this type of woman all too well.
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness Amy, is there no end to your talent? What you're saying here makes complete sense to me. So very helpful, thank you.
DeleteI often had to tell people, I'm sorry, I only have the time to listen to one person in charge and then just smile. Show her your boundaries.
ReplyDeletelove this Amy!
DeletePerhaps the next time she goes to write something (a behavior which is really quite shocking, and very immature) just tell her "hold on a moment, I see you didn't bring a note pad, here's a piece of scratch paper you can make your notes on".
ReplyDeleteAnd I LOVE the response about how you only have time to listen to the person in charge.
Sounds like she's very immature, hopefully a kind but firm putting in her place will be all you need to do the trick.
thanks Robin, last time when she wrote on my music I moved it out of her reach, but not in a very obvious way. I think I need to be more obvious!
DeleteI too loved the "only have time to listen to the person in charge", it's great advice which I will remember.
Infuriating behaviour. Stick some bubble gum down her French Horn and hope her bubble bursts!! No seriously can't you have a quiet word with the conductor or be more assertive and tell her to buzz off! Or tell her that up to now everyone is very happy with my performance so what is her problem. Oh I wish I could have a go at her for you!! Grrrr! I am angry about the situation - there always seems someone like that in any activity.
ReplyDeleteApart from all that - thanks for your comment and nice to be back . . . . and my latest post might make you laugh!!
Hugs ~ Eddie
lol Eddie, I would love to do that!
DeleteBut I'll hold back, this time, and just say it to her!
Thanks for a good laugh, you always make me laugh!
Hi Mimi,
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get the right result! Like you, I hate conflict but a lifetime of trying to avoid it and having things either continue or escalate has made me decide that the best way forward is to grasp the nettle. Do it when you are ready and prepared, coolly, calmly and with consideration for the feelings of the person you are confronting. Never easy, but if you get it right you can get the other person onside and get back in control. Good luck
Marianne, I agree it's not easy (I'd rather avoid it, but I know I can't).
DeleteI do have to get back in control.
Hmmm. Need a shovel? I'll help you bury the body.
ReplyDeletelol Rudee! No, I think we can both survive, will let you know how it goes!
DeleteOh dear, what a horrible situation to find yourself in.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if she realises that she's being so rude?
I wouldn't let her write on my music....... that is going too far.
If she criticises your playing, then I would expect her to be perfect. Is she? I would be surprised to hear that she was.
I expect it would be difficult to change places with someone else what with you playing an instrument. It would be fairly easy for a singer to do that.
Why should you have to put up with her? You were there first.
Tell her to go jump into a French horn, I would. Just ignore her because she sounds very unsure of herself under that egocentric facade.
Maggie X
Nuts in May
Hi Maggie, I agree that she is unsure of herself under all the loud showoff stuff. So I will approach gently but firmly. It's not easy for me to change places, cos I've spent hours working on the particular part, but better players than me would do it with no bother. I just feel that for that one piece, I've worked too hard to change at this stage.
DeleteI just returned from a min vacation, so sorry if I am too late with my comment.
ReplyDeleteI am like you, I hate conflicts. When I was young, it was impossible for me to point out something negative to someone else so I suffered a lot, being a very shy and insecure person. It has changed over the years, but i am still not a very good mediator. Today I do not mind anymore, but i get too passionate with my words and tend to overreact, so conflicts are not my thing at all.
What I have learned though from others is that the most important thing is to remain calm, at all times. Just talk calmly and explain what you feel and do not let yourself become swept by emotions in your conduct. If she gets that way, there is nothing you can do. Strength comes from control and calmness, not violence.
I hope this will resolve for you somehow, you have my sympathies.;)
xoxo
Hi Zuzana, hope it was a good vacation!
DeleteNot too late at all, your input and good advice is very much appreciated.
Calm,keep calm. Think I've got it!
Sometimes if we are inadvertently adding any portion to the problem, if we confess our fault first before confronting their issues it makes things smoother (at least that seems to help me)... hoping you get it worked out...
ReplyDeleteThanks Madge, will let you know how it goes!
Delete